What the hell was I thinking?

What the hell was I thinking? What the hell was I doing? I should have known better. I should have listened to that little “umph” in my gut when I agreed to forever changes. I asked questions and he gave the right answers in that moment.

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I remember who he told me he was. I remember all of the things he told me he would do. Hell, I even remember thinking to myself, he sounds too good to be true. I knew even then that he wasn’t perfect. I never asked for perfect, I asked for one who was perfect for me. That is who he represented himself to be. The chemistry was off the charts, there was a mutual admiration and the love happened before I realized it. Looking back, I see that he did all of the little things so well. He did them so well in fact, that I chose to overlook the things that didn’t seem quite right assuming that they would never become big things. Of course they did. They became huge things.

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What the hell was I thinking? What the hell was I doing? I should have known better. I should have listened to that little “umph” in my gut when I agreed to forever changes. I asked questions and he gave the right answers in that moment. I see now he told me what I needed to hear.
Here is what I now understand. I wasn’t thinking. I was feeling. I was in love with the idea of building a forever instead of remaining present in the moment. I made permanent choices to address temporary situations. I failed to THINK. If only I could learn to love with my brain instead of my heart I swear things would be a whole lot easier. He reminded me that shit still stinks no matter how old it gets. What is wrong in the beginning will be wrong in the middle and will stay wrong until I put an end to it.

I could sit here and say Fuck my Life! I feel that way now looking at the mess it seems I have once again gotten myself into but guess what. I’m gonna say FUCK this chapter in my life. At the end of the day, what he hates most, is that my life goes on with or without him. Success is the greatest revenge and love is the most powerful weapon. What he did do quite well, is remind me to love my damn self unapologetically. His bad behaviors reminded me to stop expecting anyone to love me better than I can love myself. That is not possible. He also reminded me that to consistently put someone else’s likes, needs and desires in priority over my own is a recipe for unhappiness.

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Hahahaha fuck it. I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking going in, but I damn sure know what I am thinking going out. I came in emotionally but I am leaving by choice. I know without a doubt that I can still love him and not want to be with him.

Hopefully this will be the last time life fucks me, cuz I’m damn sure ready to just cuddle.

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